ElfGrove
9 Days to Dragon Con. I’m not panicking, you’re panicking.

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Okay so I’m panicking. Just a little.

Dear friends, shoot me friend codes for the Dragon Con app if you’ll be using it.

slayboybunny:

I just tried to discretely use one of the body sprays at work cuz it was called Fantasy Forest and I was like…. I’m down…. BUT IT JUST SMELLS LIKE REALLY STRONG DIRT AND A GUY YELLED “WHO SPRAYED THAT FOREST ELF SHIT” FROM ACROSS THE STORE

I need to know where this body spray is for sale… because of reasons.

You know that XKCD comic about the joy of getting to inform people when they don’t know something you thought was common knowledge (even if only within certain circles)? Yeah, that one.

Got to experience that today, and it is a delight.

In a very break-the-twilight-noob-no-i’m-not-making-this-up sort of way, because 2000s con culture.

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Many years ago, before the term ‘weeaboo’ was a thing and US anime conventions and cosplay were a young and burgeoning community… In this age when US manga and anime distribution still thrived, adult-oriented manga were still fairly hard to come by, and doujin even more so. In the stalls of the dealers room appeared booths hawking doujinshi, primarily of the male/male variety and selling with little regard as to the age of the purchasers — many of whom were underage ladies, hyped up on ramune and pocky, and discivering sex and kink via doujin. No one is sure just who started it, but these booths added to thier stock the soon to be infamous “yaoi paddles”. [photo] Some stories claim they would sell the paddles to underage customers and include free “gift” doujin with it in order to skirt the don’t sell porn to minors rules. These “yaoi paddles” were wooden sticks approximately the size and shape of a boat paddle with either “yaoi”, “uke”, or “seme” screen printed on the sides. [photo] Excitable sugar-high teenager ran around hitting each other and eventually hitting strangers with these paddles (typically on the arse) to share the yaoi “love”. The behavior of sneaking up and hitting unexpecting cosplayers and random men without consent became so rampant that conventions have largely outlawed the devices on the con floor, some cons banning them even from being sold on site.

I’m not sure when they were formally banned most places, but they were still big business in 2005.

They were originally $30~40/each. I wonder what they run these days.

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saintawesome:

zombres:

thebadwolfdemon:

So apparently consuming blood is illegal in Louisiana

How much blood did people have to drink before it was banned?

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katie-and-her-fandoms:

wow guys Guardians of the Galaxy looks great

katie-and-her-fandoms:

wow guys Guardians of the Galaxy looks great

queenanthai:

have-you-seen-my-sister-evelyn:

stephank:

have-you-seen-my-sister-evelyn:

gookygox:

corpsecaddy:

So I found this harlequin romance paperback today, and normally I just toss those right over without paying them much mind, but the cover of this one made me pause. Sure that the artist was just taking liberties, I checked out the back.

I’m dubious. I should read a passage:

It is a literal bear.
Okay yeah I’ll admit it I’m going to read this but only because it sounds like the most fucked up romance novel in existence.
But wait….

You have some explaining to do, Canada.

wtf Canada?!
even worse, you gave this book one of your most prestigious awards?!?!?!
“Since their creation in 1937, the Governor General’s Literary Awards have become one of Canada's most prestigious prizes…”
I am disappoint. :(

Dear Americans
Twilight. I think we’re done here.
Sincerely Canada

Firstly, we never gave Twilight a prestigious award.
Secondly, they are still two consenting adult human beings in the story. This a bear. A BEAR.

Firstly, y’all made it a multi-million dollar film series. That’s worse.
And secondly, a librarian and a bear are still better than Edward and Bella.

If ever the Made Of Fail Network needed to resuscitate Straight Guy Reviews Of Bad Romance novels…

queenanthai:

have-you-seen-my-sister-evelyn:

stephank:

have-you-seen-my-sister-evelyn:

gookygox:

corpsecaddy:

So I found this harlequin romance paperback today, and normally I just toss those right over without paying them much mind, but the cover of this one made me pause. Sure that the artist was just taking liberties, I checked out the back.

image

I’m dubious. I should read a passage:

image

It is a literal bear.

Okay yeah I’ll admit it I’m going to read this but only because it sounds like the most fucked up romance novel in existence.

But wait….

image

You have some explaining to do, Canada.

wtf Canada?!

even worse, you gave this book one of your most prestigious awards?!?!?!

Since their creation in 1937, the Governor General’s Literary Awards have become one of Canada's most prestigious prizes…”

I am disappoint. :(

Dear Americans

Twilight. I think we’re done here.

Sincerely Canada

Firstly, we never gave Twilight a prestigious award.

Secondly, they are still two consenting adult human beings in the story. This a bear. A BEAR.

Firstly, y’all made it a multi-million dollar film series. That’s worse.

And secondly, a librarian and a bear are still better than Edward and Bella.

If ever the Made Of Fail Network needed to resuscitate Straight Guy Reviews Of Bad Romance novels…

caligulascookie:

r-u-seri0us:

88-red-balloons:

catladyofficial:

the best headline i’ve ever read.

yes. apparently a kid was screaming in line behind him about wanting pie, so he bought every single one. 23 pies. then slowly ate them as he stared at the kid and kid’s mom.

This is amazing

OKAY so my mom found this article (or one about the same event) on Facebook. Basically what happened was, this guy went into BK with a headache, and while he was in line this kid and his mother enter the restaurant. The kid begins throwing a fit, screaming (I quote) “I want a fucking pie!” This is a child, mind you. His mother, on the phone, ignores the kid. The man’s headache got worse because of this screaming kid and he asked the woman if she could control her child. She told him to stop telling him how to raise her kid and went back to talking on the phone. So the guy orders his burger and all the pies they had- 23. He proceeded to the exit, only to hear the woman yell, “What do you mean, you don’t have any pies?” The cashier helplessly points out the man who bought all the pies. Our hero, to rub salt in the wound, slowly starts eating a pie before leaving.

caligulascookie:

r-u-seri0us:

88-red-balloons:

catladyofficial:

the best headline i’ve ever read.

yes. apparently a kid was screaming in line behind him about wanting pie, so he bought every single one. 23 pies. then slowly ate them as he stared at the kid and kid’s mom.

This is amazing

OKAY so my mom found this article (or one about the same event) on Facebook. Basically what happened was, this guy went into BK with a headache, and while he was in line this kid and his mother enter the restaurant. The kid begins throwing a fit, screaming (I quote) “I want a fucking pie!” This is a child, mind you. His mother, on the phone, ignores the kid. The man’s headache got worse because of this screaming kid and he asked the woman if she could control her child. She told him to stop telling him how to raise her kid and went back to talking on the phone. So the guy orders his burger and all the pies they had- 23. He proceeded to the exit, only to hear the woman yell, “What do you mean, you don’t have any pies?” The cashier helplessly points out the man who bought all the pies. Our hero, to rub salt in the wound, slowly starts eating a pie before leaving.

Pre-Con: Fuck cosplay
During Con: Fuck cosplay
Post-Con: I want to cosplay that.

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done